Breaking the Silence: Why We Must Talk to Each Other About Coercive Control

For a long time, society has had a language problem when it comes to domestic abuse. We have dismissed deeply damaging, terrifying relationships as simply "toxic" or "bad." But as highlighted in a recent APPG (All-Party Parliamentary Group) meeting on Domestic Violence and Abuse, this terminology is dangerous. It minimizes the reality of what victims endure, silences them, and prevents communities from stepping in to help.

The reality is coercive control—the hidden heart of domestic abuse. It is not a one-off argument; it is a calculated campaign of fear, intimidation, and humiliation designed to strip a person of their independence and make them entirely subordinate.

With an estimated 1 million people experiencing coercive control in the UK, but only around 50,000 cases actually being recorded, we are facing a silent epidemic. The criminal justice system is severely under-resourced—currently, only 3.4% of recorded coercive control offences result in a charge. Because the system is failing to protect victims at the rate we need, we must not stay silent. We must talk to each other, lean on our communities, and learn to spot the signs early.

Spotting the Signs Early On

Coercive control can happen to anyone, regardless of background or social class. It often begins subtly before spiraling into a web of entrapment. We need to be vigilant for the signs in our friends, sisters, and colleagues:

• Isolation: Cutting someone off from their support networks, dictating who they can see or speak to.

• Micro-regulation: Controlling everyday behavior, including what a person wears, what they drink, or how they look.

• Economic Abuse: A tactic used in 95% of domestic abuse cases. This isn’t just about taking money; it’s about ruining a partner’s credit, running up bills in their name, or preventing them from having access to their own finances so they cannot afford to leave.

• Weaponizing Identity: For LGBTQ+ individuals, abusers may use threats of "outing," deportation, or leveraging transphobia/homophobia to maintain control and force the victim to stay.
  

The Myth of "Just Leaving"

One of the most dangerous misconceptions is that abuse ends when a relationship ends. As the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognizes, post-separation abuse is a critical issue. When an abuser no longer has physical access to a victim, they often use economic control as their primary weapon—refusing to pay child maintenance, deliberately dragging out divorce proceedings to rack up legal fees, or purposely defaulting on joint mortgages to push the survivor into homelessness.

Abusers also frequently use a tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), especially in family courts, to paint the survivor as the abuser and themselves as the victim. Leaving is often the most dangerous time, which is why victims need a solid safety net before they exit.

Why We Must Talk to Each Other

The tragic case of Sally Challen—who spent years in prison after being driven to the brink by 40 years of psychological and financial abuse by her husband—shows us what happens when coercive control goes unrecognized and unspoken. Sally’s sons witnessed the abuse but, at the time, had no language to describe it.

We cannot afford to make that same mistake today. We must create communities where women feel safe to say, "I feel like I'm losing my mind," or "He controls every penny I spend," without fear of judgment. If we suspect a friend is being controlled, we must gently check in, offer a safe space, and listen without victim-blaming.

Seeking Resources and Staying Safe

Because police and statutory agencies are still catching up on how to investigate and prosecute coercive control (which currently carries a maximum of just five years in prison—a stark contrast to the decades of abuse inflicted), victims must be proactive about their safety.

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control:

1. Reach out to specialist organizations: Groups like Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA), Galop (for LGBTQ+ survivors), and national domestic abuse helplines understand the nuances of this abuse and can offer tailored, safe advice.

2. Gather evidence safely: If possible, keep a diary of incidents, save abusive messages, or store evidence with a trusted friend. (Be mindful of personal data protection and tech-safety—abusers often monitor devices).

3. Build a hidden support network: Confide in one or two trusted people who can help you safely plan your next steps.
   

Coercive control thrives in the dark. It survives on isolation, shame, and a society that misunderstands it. By talking openly, educating ourselves on the signs, and directing survivors to expert resources, we can strip this abuse of its power. Let’s be the village that protects our women, so no one has to endure a 40-year nightmare in silence.

If you or someone you know is affected by domestic abuse, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline in the UK at 0808 2000 247, or visit nationaldahelpline.org.uk.