The Friendship Checklist: 10 Questions to Determine If Your Circle Truly Lifts You Up

We’ve all heard the saying, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” But when was the last time you actually audited those five people?

As women, we are often taught to be loyal, patient, and accommodating in friendships. We hold onto bonds from childhood, college, or past jobs long after they’ve expired. But here is the hard truth: Not everyone who hugs you and grabs coffee with you has your best interests at heart.

A true supportive circle isn’t just about having fun on girls' night out. It’s about who is there when the lights come on and the real life begins.

If you’ve been feeling drained, doubted, or just "off" about your friendships lately, it’s time to pause. Grab a cup of tea, get quiet, and ask yourself these 10 questions to determine if the women around you are truly supportive, kind-hearted, and genuine.

The "Support System" Check

True friends are your cheerleaders, not your competition.

1. How do they react when I win?

This is the ultimate litmus test. When you get a promotion, lose weight, or hit a major milestone, watch their face. Do their eyes light up with genuine excitement? Or do they go quiet, make a backhanded compliment ("You're so lucky, I wish I had time for that"), or quickly change the subject back to themselves?

Green Flag: They celebrate your win as if it were their own.

2. Do I feel smaller or larger when I leave their presence?

Pay attention to your energy levels. After you hang out with a friend, do you feel empowered, inspired, and happy? Or do you feel drained, anxious, and self-conscious?

Green Flag: You feel energized and confident after interacting with them.

3. Are they available for the hard times, or just the happy hours?

It’s easy to be a friend when life is champagne and sunshine. But when you’re crying on the bathroom floor or going through a breakup, who shows up? A fair-weather friend is suddenly "too busy" when you need support, but expects you to drop everything for them.

Green Flag: They show up for the messy, ugly parts of life, not just the Instagrammable ones.

The "Heart" Check

Kindness isn't just how they treat you; it's how they treat the world.

4. How do they speak about other women when they aren't there?

If your friend is constantly gossiping, tearing down other women, or judging strangers' appearances, rest assured: she is doing the exact same thing to you when you leave the room.

Green Flag: They speak kindly of others or refrain from gossip altogether.

5. Do they listen to understand, or just to reply?

When you are sharing something vulnerable, are they looking you in the eye and absorbing your words? Or are they scrolling on their phone, waiting for you to finish so they can interject with their own story?

Green Flag: They give you their full attention and validate your feelings.

6. Is there room for both of us to shine?

A friendship with good intentions is not a zero-sum game. A good friend wants you to be beautiful, smart, and successful. She doesn’t view your success as a threat to her own lack thereof.

Green Flag: She encourages your growth even if it means you outgrow the current dynamic.

The "Intention" Check

Actions speak louder than DMs.

7. Do they respect my boundaries?

When you say "no" to plans, or "I'm not comfortable talking about this," how do they react? A supportive friend will respect your limits. A toxic friend will guilt-trip you, accuse you of changing, or make you feel selfish.

Green Flag: They accept your "no" without making you explain yourself.

8. Is the friendship reciprocal?

Look at your text messages and call logs. Are you always the one initiating? Are you always the one paying? Are you always the one asking how their day was? If you stopped putting in the effort today, would the friendship still exist?

Green Flag: The effort feels like a tennis match - volleying back and forth naturally.

9. Do they keep my secrets?

If you tell them something in confidence, does it stay between you? Or do you find out later that they told their partner or another friend because they "just needed to vent"?

Green Flag: Your private life remains private.

10. Do I trust them with my actual dreams?

This is the deepest question. Can you tell your wildest, most scary dreams to this woman without fear of judgment? A good intentioned friend holds your dreams gently, helping you map out a path to achieve them.

Green Flag: You feel safe being 100% yourself - flaws and all.

If you went through this list and realized a few of your friendships didn't pass the test - don't panic. This isn't a call to start a fight or block everyone today. It is simply an invitation to shift your energy.

You cannot change people, but you can change how much access they have to you. Start investing more time in the women who answered "Yes" to these questions. As you elevate your standards, you make space for the kind of soul-sister friendships you actually deserve.

Remember: Quality will always beat quantity.